The Emotional Lives of Teenagers or, Why the Teenager You See at Home is Different from the One We See at School

If you’re a parent of one or more teenagers, you’ve probably had an experience like one of these:

• The parent of one of your teenager’s friends tells you what a pleasure it was to have your teenager in their home recently – how polite they were, how much they helped out after dinner, etc. 
• You run into your teenager’s boss from their after-school job, who tells you how great your child is dealing with difficult customers, always with a smile on their face.

• At an event at your teenager’s school, one of their teachers tells you how amazing it has been to watch your teenager blossom into a leader amongst their peers, taking charge of a small group working on a class project, and heading up a new club that meets during lunch.

If this sort of thing has happened to you, you may have plastered a fake smile on your face, muttered some vague words of thanks, and thought, “Are you talking about my kid?! The one whose only communication is grunting when leaving the dinner table, shouting at me when I ask them anything, and slamming their bedroom door?”

I say you’ve probably had an experience like this because they’re incredibly common. Teenagers live highly emotional lives. Their moods can be intense and even scary to their parents. And one of the main jobs of teenagers is learning how to manage these intense emotions effectively.

In all of the examples above, we see an instance of a teenager who is a different person inside and outside their home. But this makes sense, right? We’re all different people at our jobs, or at a party, than we are when we’re just trying to relax at the end of the day at home. Teenagers are no different, and we shouldn’t expect them to be.

In fact, teenagers have it much harder than adults do. We’ve been on this earth for decades longer than they have, and while we’ve (mostly) learned how to manage our feelings effectively, they are still getting the hang of it, and it’s a messy process. Chances are, the teenager who was so polite and helpful at their friend’s house, the one who’s great with customers at their job, and the one who is a leader at school, all had to expend a lot of emotional energy to manage their frustrations, disappointments, confusion, and fear while doing those things. It’s exhausting! So when they get home after school, work, or a weekend away, and they find themselves in a safe place, they can let their guard down and express some of those emotions. Cue the grunting, shouting, and door slamming.

If, like most of us, you worry about your teenager’s bad moods, keep in mind that, in the words of psychologist Lisa Damour, “Mental health is not about feeling good. Instead, it’s about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those emotions effectively.” (If you’re interested in learning more about this, I can’t recommend her book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents” more highly. Whenever I’m confused about teenage behavior – good, bad, or just weird – Dr. Damour’s book most likely has the explanation, and many of the ideas here come from her.)

So what’s a parent to do with a teenager whose emotions seem to run from irritated to irate when they’re at home? The thing your teenager needs most from you in those moments is for you to remain calm (no shouting back) and to show that you see them (“I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated”). By simply remaining calm and not freaking out, to let them know that you’re the steady person they can come to when their teenage world seems so turbulent.

Teenagers experience a lot of emotional discomfort every day. That’s by design, because emotional discomfort is the thing that causes teenagers to grow. To put it another way, having experiences, really feeling their emotional impact, and learning to manage those emotions help teenagers mature. This is one reason that we worry so much about young people who use alcohol and drugs heavily – those substances blunt emotional pain, and the learning and emotional growth that follow.

So the next time your teenager shouts at you, grunts in your direction, or slams the bedroom door, rest a little bit easier – it means you’ve created a safe space for them to express themselves. And remember, they’re engaged in some very hard work that many of us have yet to perfect – managing their emotions effectively.

Peter Lefkowicz

Peter Lefkowicz is the founding Head of School at The New School and has served in that role since 2014. Over the last 25 years, he has taught English and History at both the high school and university levels and is passionate about creating rich learning experiences both in and outside of the classroom. Peter has a B.A. from the University of Virginia, an M.A. in English from Hollins College and a J.D. from the University of Virginia.